Based on the 20th Century-Fox film "M*A*S*H" (an acronym for Mobile Army Surgical Hospital), a big hit of 1970 which was based in turn on the book of the same name, "M*A*S*H" was an American television series about a team of doctors and nurses stationed at a fictional U.S. Army hospital (unit number 4077) in Korea, during the Korean War in 1950-53. The series originally aired on CBS from September 17, 1972 to February 28, 1983, but can still be seen in syndication. The series spanned 251 episodes and lasted almost four times as long as the war which served as its setting.
Contents
Season 1
M*A*S*H the Pilot
- Hawkeye: You know, we gotta do it someday... throw away all the guns and invite all the jokers from the north and the south to a cocktail party. Last man standing on his feet at the end wins the war.
- Frank: [spotting Hawkeye browsing through his personal shelf] What are you doing there?!
- Hawkeye: I just wanted to borrow your Bible, Frank.
- Frank: Since when are you interested in the Bible?
- Trapper: I peeked at the end, Frank. The Devil did it.
To Market, To Market
- Trapper: Hurry up, the truck will be here soon.
- [Radar looks up as if he hears something and moves faster]
- Hawkeye: I think we just passed soon!
Requiem for a Lightweight
- Henry: Whatever it is, even if the answer is "yes," it's "no."
- Radar: If he wanted to, he could be a platoon. [Trapper looks at Hawkeye.] And he's mean-looking, too. [makes a face to show what he looks like]
Chief Surgeon Who?
- General Barker: What are you doing, Corporal?
- Radar: Doing, sir?
- Barker: D-O-I-N-G! What are you doing?
- Radar: I'm listening to you spell "doing", sir.
- [in shorts, T-shirt, and dressing gown]
- Hawkeye: Would I do anything to disgrace this uniform?
The Moose
- Hawkeye: I'm gonna do something about this--I'm going to Henry.
- Spearchucker: Henry? Our Henry?
- Trapper: I thought you said you were going to do something about this.
- Trapper: [about the Swamp] Somebody sneaked in here and committed a neatness!
Yankee Doodle Doctor
- Hawkeye: Three hours ago, this man was in a battle. Two hours ago we operated on him. He's got a fifty-fifty chance. We win some, we lose some. That's what it's all about... no promises, no guaranteed survival... no "saints in surgical garb." Our willingness, our experience, our technique are not enough. Guns and bombs and anti-personnel mines have more power to take life than we have to preserve it. Not a very happy ending to a movie. But then again, no war is a movie.
- [An army film unit is making a documentary at the camp]
- Frank: [Reading from the film script] "...from the strong, capable hands of a Yankee Doodle Doctor."
- Trapper: [laughing] A Yankee Doodle --
- Hawkeye: [singing] Stuck a feather in his nurse...
- Hawkeye and Trapper: ...and called her macaroni!
Bananas, Crackers and Nuts
- Hawkeye: I had a dream last night that I was asleep and I dreamed it while I was awake!
- Henry: This is the army! No one can do the best they can!
Cowboy
- Trapper: Does Henry have an enemy?
- Hawkeye: Doesn't sound like the work of a friend. I think we better keep an eye on him.
- Trapper: Now?
- Hawkeye: He may not have a later.
- Trapper: Come on, Frank! Outta the way!
- Frank: You're not going anywhere in that, McIntyre. This jeep is the official property of the US Army in general and Col. Blake in particular and as such is to be used for the official duties thereof and nothing else.
- Trapper: Frank, you're sucking around to become a hit and run case. Move!
- Frank: Over my dead body.
- Trapper: Great idea!
Henry, Please Come Home
- Radar: They aren't gonna like this.
- Frank: I didn't come here to be liked.
- Radar: You certainly came to the right place.
- Hawkeye: Do you mind if we swim through?
I Hate A Mystery
- Henry: I assume you've all read my notice concerning the recent crime wave.
- Hawkeye: I would've read it, but the notice was stolen.
- Hawkeye: You know, I never hit a woman.
- Burns: You lay one finger on Margaret...
- Hawkeye: I was talking about you, Frank.
Germ Warfare
- Frank: I'm only paranoid because everyone's against me!
- Hawkeye: Ghouls? Thats a nice thing to call us vampires.
Dear Dad
- PA Announcement: Attention, the following personnel have volunteered to go on a ten-mile fitness hike. [Silence]
- PA Announcement: Due to the number of people bored last Sunday, next Sunday will be canceled.
Edwina
- Hawkeye: Edwina, may I kiss you?
- Edwina: Is your mouth insured?
- Hawkeye: Did you want to say something, Henry, or were you just hoping for a free tonsillectomy?
Love Story
- Radar: [referring to a book Hawkeye is holding] War AND Peace?
- Trapper: Well, Tolstoy was very flexible. He went either way.
- Anderson: I'll tell you how I feel about ol' Johann Sebastian.
- Radar: Now that's highly significant.
- Anderson: I haven't said anything yet.
- Radar: That's OK. I have confidence in you, Lieutenant.
Tuttle
- Radar: [referring to Henry, after Frank and Margaret have asked to see him] I'm afraid he's doing some very important sleeping for the army right now.
- Trapper: [while Hawkeye is working on Tuttle's profile] You should write fiction.
- Hawkeye: You should read my file.
The Ringbanger
- Margaret: You're drunk!
- Henry: [slurring] That's a dirty lie. And I intend to press charges. The minute I'm sober.
- Henry: [drunk, holding a gun] Don't move, Korea, this is a stick-up.
Sometimes You Hear the Bullet
- Henry: Look, all I know is what they taught me at command school. There are certain rules about a war. Rule number one is young men die. And rule number two is doctors can't change rule number one.
- Hawkeye: Wendell, another word for "gooks" is "people".
Dear Dad, Again
- Hawkeye: [thinking as he writes] I've never put much stock in ESP, but if it is possible for one person to read another person's mind, Radar has that ability. The little fink.
- Radar: [walking past] Is that a nice thing to say?
- Trapper: What a mess. Stomach, kidney, liver...
- Hawkeye: What is that, an organ recital?
The Longjohn Flap
- Hawkeye: [to Henry] We're here to report a pair of missing Longjohns.
- Trapper: [also to Henry] Which we own and you are wearing.
- Henry: Can you identify them?
- Hawkeye: I've got a better idea. How about you identify them? [Trapper covers Henry's eyes] Without looking.
- Henry: Well they're long...
- Trapper: And they're johns... they must be his.
- Frank: [to Klinger] The next time I see you, I wanna see a shine on those high heels!
The Army-Navy Game
- Colonel Hersh: You got a stethoscope anyplace?
- Hawkeye: WE'RE A MEDICAL UNIT!!!
- Radar: [seeing Klinger in a suit] Don't I know your sister?
Sticky Wicket
- [during a poker game in the Swamp]
- Hawkeye: Can't you guys do that somewhere else?
- Trapper: Why don't you do what you're doing somewhere else?
- Hawkeye: I'm not doing anything!
- Trapper: Well, you can do that anywhere, can't you?
- Trapper: [during a poker game] My last hand was more like a foot.
Major Fred C. Dobbs
- Henry: You know, Frank, as rough as it's been, I think I'll miss you.
- Frank: Well it might not have come to this if you had had the backbone to maintain some discipline.
- Henry: Well--so much for missing you.
Ceasefire
- General Clayton: Henry, are you sitting down?
- Henry: [stands up] No, sir.
- Clayton: Maybe you better.
- Henry: [sits down] Yes, sir.
- Hawkeye: Is he giving you calisthetics over the phone?
- Trapper: Call us if you need us.
- Hawkeye: Yeah, but don't need us.
Showtime
- Henry: It's bad enough that she's having a baby and I can't be there with her!
- Radar: Well at least you were there for the important part.
Season 2
Divided We Stand
- Henry: There's nothing wrong with Klinger. I mean, he goes out with girls.
- Captain Hildebrand: Must be stealing their clothes.
- Hawkeye: [orders breakfast] I'll have two scrambled powdered eggs and a slice of World War II surplus bread, and don't make it tasty.
5 O'Clock Charlie
- Frank: I want everybody to understand that this is war! And that war is a call to arms!
- [Frank pulls out his gun but it has been replaced with a stapler]
- Hawkeye: Here's the money mister, please don't staple us!
- Hawkeye: You're out of uniform!
- Nurse: Where?
- Hawkeye: How about my tent in five minutes?
Radar's Report
- Sidney: Sign this, soldier.
- Klinger: What's it say?
- Sidney: It says that I have examined you and found you to be a transvestite and a homosexual.
- Klinger: I ain't any of those. Where do get off calling me that?
- Sidney: I think I got the idea from your cleavage.
- Klinger: Listen, all I want is a Section 8. You know what you can do with this.
- Sidney: Hey soldier. You forgot your purse.
For The Good of the Outfit
- Hawkeye: We've been getting double-talk in triplicate.
Dr. Pierce and Mr. Hyde
- Trapper: I guess he's just unstable. You see, he took this weird oath as a young man, never to just stand by and watch people die.
Kim
- Hawkeye: [looking for maps of the minefield] Why aren't they under "M"?
- Radar: Because they're under "B" for "boom".
- Hawkeye: Looks like a pregnant bagpipe.
- Trapper: Do bagpipes get pregnant?
- Hawkeye: Sure they do, right after they make those funny sounds.
L.I.P.
- Hawkeye: [seeing that his patient is a baby] Boy, did his Draft Board go crazy.
- Hawkeye: [to Corporal Walker] Are you married?
- Corporal Walker: Sort of.
- Hawkeye: Sort of married? That's like being sort of a virgin.
The Trial of Henry Blake
- General Mitchell: Who are you?
- Margaret: Majors Burns and Houlihan, sir!
- General Mitchell: Which is which?
- Hawkeye: Doesn't matter, they're interchangeable.
- [Klinger has gone hang-gliding in a housecoat and slippers]
- Hawkeye: Did you see that?
- Nurse: What?
- Hawkeye: A big red bird with fuzzy pink feet.
- Trapper: Hawkeye, did you see that?
- Hawkeye: What did you see?
- Trapper: A big red bird with fuzzy pink feet.
Dear Dad, Three
- Hawkeye: We've just heard that General Eisenhower's gonna run for president... what some guys won't do to get out of the army.
- Radar: [during roll call] Major Frank Marion Burns.
- Trapper: [snickers] Marion.
- Hawkeye: His folks wanted a boy.
The Sniper
- Hawkeye: Frank, do you know what a hero is? Ninety-nine times out of a hundred, he's somebody who's tired enough and cold enough and hungry enough not to give a damn. I don't give a damn.
- Radar: [at show-end referring to sniper's thinking that he was firing on MacArthur's headquarters] Where do you think you're going to get a MacArthur to show him, for Pete's sake?
- [Hawkeye and Trapper dress a sleeping Burns with cap, sunglasses, and corncob pipe]
- Frank: [awakening] What's going on?
- Hawkeye: You have returned.
Carry On, Hawkeye
- Hawkeye: [talking to Radar in Henry's office] It's hard to believe I'm sitting in Henry Blake's chair. This is the chair in which a thousand indecisions have been launched.
- Henry: [sick yet acting healthy] I'm in command again, I'm back on the bridge.
- [Henry sits down and starts slinking down to the floor]
- Hawkeye: He went down with his desk.
The Incubator
- Hawkeye: [regarding the requisition of the incubator being denied] We're not asking for a jukebox or a pizza oven.
- Captain Sloan: Oh, those I can let you have.
- Henry: No kidding! Hey, those would be great on movie nights. You got any pizza requisition forms?
- Captain Sloan: Just use the standard S stroke 1798 and write in "Pizza" where it says "Machine Gun".
- Hawkeye: You have a fever of 109 stroke 10, you can't have an incubator but you can have a pizza to go, unless of course you go first.
Deal Me Out
- Hawkeye: [during a poker game] Sidney, what's the psychiatric basis for gambling?
- Sidney: Sex.
- Hawkeye: Why?
- Sidney: I don't know, they told me to say it. Sex is why we gamble, sex is why we drink, sex is why we give birth.
- Hawkeye: Thank you, doctor.
- Sidney: I'm taking a five dollar chip. That was a house call.
- Henry: Radar, whatever it is, sign it, cancel it, or order five more.
Hot Lips and Empty Arms
- Margaret: [following Hawkeye's "toast"] I too have a toast. Here's to Captains Pierce and McIntyre. To their all-night binges. To their secret nurse ceremonies. To their planting of microphones in sleeping bags. To their childish switching of names on latrines. All of which goes into my special report to General Mitchell, which culminates in a detailed account of your Thanksgiving "Come As Your Favourite Nude Pilgrim" party.
- [Pierce give Margaret a shot]
- Margaret: Ow! What was that?
- Hawkeye: Load of B1. Get you on your feet again.
- Margaret: Oh... And I didn't get you anything...
Officer's Only
- Duk: [to Henry] Can I get you something, sir?
- Henry: You bet--I'm dying for a banana daquiri.
- Duk: Is that a drink?
- Henry: Sure. You just take some bananas, some rum, and some cream, and you mix it all in a blender.
- Duk: We got no bananas, no blender, and powdered cream.
- Henry: Okay, I'll have a beer.
- Hawkeye: We got you drunk your first time.
- Trapper: Taught you how to drive the jeep.
- Hawkeye: All on the same night.
Henry In Love
- Henry: I can't believe it. I couldn't wait till she got here, and now I'm glad she's gone.
- Trapper: It's for the best, Henry.
- Hawkeye: Yeah--if you had sucked your gut in one more time, your belly button would have fallen out your backside.
- Hawkeye: [as Nancy Sue Parker gets out of a jeep] I'm a doctor, you can take it from me: that's a nice leg.
For Want of a Boot
- Henry: I'd be lying if I said I understood that. I'd also be lying if I said I cared.
Operation Noselift
- Henry: Don't tell me. I don't want to know about it. You guys have my full permission, and I never said that. I mean, I'm not even here, so how could I? Radar!
- Radar: Sir?
- Henry: Make an entry in the daily report that I wasn't here today, and bring it to me so I can sign it.
- Radar: Uh, sir, if you sign it, it'll show you were here.
- Henry: Then you sign it for me.
- Radar: Yes, sir. Should I sign your name?
- Henry: You'll have to, because I'm gonna say it was a forgery.
- Hawkeye: [seeing available selections in "nose" catalogue] Gee, I never knew how hard it was to pick a nose.
- Robbins: [pointing to one selection] This one paid for two Cadillacs.
- Trapper: Now that's what you call "paying through the nose."
- Robbins: The wit in this room flows like molasses.
The Chosen People
- [After Hawkeye tries to say something in Korean]
- Captain Pak: Give him a bicarbonate and tell him to stay off his feet.
- Hawkeye: Isn't that "Your presence is welcome in our camp"?
- Pak: No, it's "Your uncle has gas from eating cabbage."
- [After Hawkeye says something else in Korean]
- Pak: Sorry to hear that.
- Hawkeye: What?
- Pak: Your uncle with the gas is now pregnant.
- Lieutenant Harper: Are you men doctors?
- Hawkeye: Only when the moon is full.
As You Were
- Trapper: [listening to Radar play the piano] Hey Radar, don't you know another song?
- Hawkeye: He doesn't even know THAT one.
- PA Announcement: Attention all personnel. Due to a lack of casualties, tonight's midnight movie will be shown at 9:00 AM. And midnight has been cancelled.
Crisis
- Frank: [in Henry's office] What if the minutemen in 1776 had stopped to worry about toilet paper?!
- Hawkeye: So we would have had independence ten minutes later.
- Henry: According to Regimental, the fighting shifted to the north and we won't be getting any casualties.
- Hawkeye: That's the same Regimental that said to Custer, "One last stand and then you can go home."
George
- Frank: I found out something about someone that is very interesting--very interesting.
- Trapper: Let us guess.
- Hawkeye: Is this person a well-stacked U.S. Army major nurse who's bigger than the breadbox you're seeing on the side?
- Frank: No... [realizes what Hawkeye said] ...no!
- Frank: The man is not normal!
- Hawkeye: What's normal, Frank?
- Frank: Normal is everybody doing the same thing.
- Trapper: What about individuality?
- Frank: Well, individuality is fine--as long as we all do it together.
Mail Call
- Klinger: [reading an alleged letter from home] "Dear Son--"
- Henry: You obviously haven't sent her a recent picture.
- Henry: [pulling out Klinger's file] Here we go. Father dying, right?
- Klinger: Yes, sir.
- Henry: [going through letters in Klinger's file] Father dying, last year. Mother dying, last year. Mother and father dying. Mother, father and older sister dying. Mother dying and older sister pregnant. Older sister dying and mother pregnant. Younger sister pregnant and older sister dying. Here's an oldie but a goodie: half of the family dying, other half pregnant. [puts file down] Klinger, aren't you ashamed of yourself?
- Klinger: Yes sir. I don't deserve to be in the Army.
A Smattering of Intelligence
- Flagg: It all depends on HQ.
- Henry: HQ.
- Flagg: Why did you say HQ? Whoever told you about HQ?
- Henry: Well, you told me, Colonel Flagg.
- Flagg: Who's Colonel Flagg?
- Pratt: [referring to Flagg] Another time, he crashed his Jeep into a wall and set himself on fire.
- Hawkeye: Is this guy available for kids' parties?
Season 3
The General Flipped at Dawn
- General Steele: War and whiskey don't mix! General Grant kept throwing up on his bugler.
- General Steele: I predict an early end to this war, if it doesn't rain and we get all wet.
Rainbow Bridge
- Hawkeye: Look, you're doing something really decent in the middle of a giant indecency. Don't endanger nine men because one idiot wants to do his General Custer impression.
- Frank: When are you gonna learn about Chinese treachery? Didn't Pearl Harbor teach you anything?
Officer of the Day
- Hawkeye: I will not carry a gun, Frank. When I got thrown into this war I had a clear understanding with the Pentagon: no guns. I'll carry your books, I'll carry a torch, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over, carry forward, Cary Grant, cash and carry, carry me back to Old Virginia, I'll even 'hari-kari' if you show me how, but I will not carry a gun!
- Hawkeye: I'm not sleeping, I'm inspecting the inside of my eyelids.
Iron Guts Kelly
- Colonel Wortman: That's not a teddy bear?
- Radar: Uh, yes, sir. Regulations against having the real kind.
O.R.
- Hawkeye: I just don’t know why they’re shooting at us. All we want to do is bring them democracy and white bread. Transplant the American dream. Freedom. Achievement. Hyperacidity. Affluence. Flatulence. Technology. Tension. The inalienable right to an early coronary sitting at your desk while plotting to stab your boss in the back.
- Sidney: Some patients insist on dying, Hawk. You knew that going in. But you had to be a doctor.
- Hawkeye: I didn't have a choice, it's all ever I cared about, all I ever wanted to do. Sometimes I think I'd be more useful as a cocktail waitress.
- Sidney: You haven't got the legs for it.
Springtime
- Hawkeye (to dishevelled Radar at show-end): Radar, what happened?
- Radar: I don't know. I think I've been slaked.
Check Up
- Henry (about Radar's tattoo): Radar, getting one of those is very unsanitary.
- Radar: Oh, I washed my hands first, sir.
Life With Father
- Margaret: Maybe we should talk to her for a second.
- Frank: That only puts another dollar in the bank of permissiveness.
- Hawkeye: Who's yours from, Trap?
- Trapper: My five-year old. Or my wife has started writing in crayon.
Alcoholics Unaminous
- Frank: Lemmings must be directed to the sea.
- Hawkeye (to Trapper, walking into Mess Tent): Would you mind sucking in your shoulders?
- Trapper: Pardon my build.
There Is Nothing Like a Nurse
- Hawkeye (as Frank, in his wedding film, is about to cut the wedding cake): Watch the cake die of malpractice.
- Henry: You know, Major, you and your nurses can be a real pain in the butt. If you're not in here every five minutes complaining about them, they're in here saying you're Hermann Goering in drag!
- Margaret: Which one of them said that?!?!
- Henry: I'm not finking, Major.
Adam's Ribs
- Trapper (at show end as ribs are being served): Should we say grace?
- Hawkeye: Praise the Lord, and pass the sauce.
- PA Announcement: Due to conditions beyond our control, we regret to announce that lunch is now being served.
A Full Rich Day
- Frank: I don't care what Captain McIntyre said, I have never cared, and at this point I don't care twice as much as I never cared before!
Mad Dogs and Servicemen
- Radar (about the dog): Just a mutt. I give it stuff from the kitchen...although I don't like being cruel to animals.
- Frank: Anyone who needs psychiatry is sick in the head.
Private Charles Lamb
- Henry (talking to Hawkeye and Trapper about a missing lamb): Do I know, Do I know anything? Everything in this country disappears but me. Boy, I'd like to wake up one morning look down and find myself gone.
Bombed
- Klinger: Colonel, if you can hear me, knock three times. If you can't, knock twice.
- (Henry knocks twice)
- Klinger: Good lord, he's dead.
Bulletin Board
- Trapper: What's the announcement, Radar?
- Radar: It's a lecture. Colonel Blake's gonna tell us everything he knows about sex.
- Hawkeye: It should be an enjoyable 60 seconds.
- Frank: Marriage is probably the chief cause of divorce.
The Consultant
- Frank: Colonel, you are not listening to me!
- Henry: Uh, you'll have to speak a little louder, Frank. I'm not listening to you.
House Arrest
- Hawkeye (referring to his prisoner of war package): Father, why?
- Mulcahy: Oh, according to the Geneva Convention, each prisoner is entitled to this package. You have a razor, toothpaste, soap, six aspirin, a wash cloth, and four oreo cookies.
- Hawkeye: Father, that's for a prisoner of war. I'm one of ours.
- Mulcahy: In the eyes of the Lord, a prisoner's a prisoner.
- Hawkeye: Well, thanks. And in your prayers, thank the big fella for me.
- Mulcahy: Oh, MacArthur had nothing to do with it.
- Hawkeye (watching a movie): What; what'd I miss?
- Henry: Cornel Wilde just kissed Gene Tierney.
- Hawkeye: On the teeth?
- Trapper: Right smack on.
- Hawkeye: If he straightens out that overbite, I'll kill him.
Aid Station
- Klinger: What's this morning's breakfast?
- Trapper: Last night's dinner.
- Klinger: Great, that was yesterday's lunch.
Love and Marriage
- (talking to Dr. Pak)
- Hawkeye: Are you still doing those phony operations with the fake stitches?
- Trapper: And using hair cream for penicillin?
- Hawkeye: I examined one of your patients, Doctor. He still had pneumonia, but I must say, you cleared up his dandruff.
- Hawkeye: You know sir, you just might go down in medical history.
- Pak: How so?
- Hawkeye: As the first Doctor ever to set two broken legs, and both of them his own.
Big Mac
- Frank: As adjutant and assistant chief surgeon, I'd like to volunteer for that operation.
- Margaret: How splendid, Major.
- Henry: Very good, Frank.
- Trapper: Lovely.
- Hawkeye: Then it's settled. We'll do a hysterectomy on Major Burns.
- Frank: I think the Colonel might like to know that Major Houlihan's father was under General MacArthur in the cavalry.
- Hawkeye: Her father was a horse. Did you know that?
- Trapper: Our engagement is off.
Payday
- PA Announcement: Attention all personnel. Due to the incredible mediocrity of last night's movie, it will be shown again tonight at 2100 hours.
- Henry: Boy, I wish I knew what was going on.
- Radar: I'll tell you later, sir.
- Henry: You always say that Radar, but you never do.
White Gold
- Flagg: My orders are to do whatever it takes to break up this penicillin ring, and I have written permission to die in the attempt!
- Klinger (on guard duty): Halt! Who goes there?
- Henry: Outta the way, Klinger.
- Klinger: I've gotta have the password, Colonel.
- Henry: Bullfeathers!
- Klinger: That was LAST week's password.
Abyssinia, Henry
- Radar: (walking very slowly into the OR, shortly after Blake's departure) I have a message: Lt. Col... Henry Blake's plane...was shot down... over the Sea of Japan. It spun in. There were no survivors. (he leaves, fighting tears)
Season 4
Welcome to Korea
- Hawkeye: There's no Jeep here Radar, there's only a whole lot of here, here.
Change of Command
- Radar (over the PA): Attention! By command of the new Commanding Officer, all officers report to the Commanding Officer's office, sirs!
- Frank: Another week of command and I'd have had you out of that dress!
- Klinger: I'm not that easy.
It Happened One Night
- Hawkeye: Lie down and rest.
- Klinger: I'd rather do it in my own bed.
- Hawkeye: Alright, go back to your tent.
- Klinger: My bed in Toledo.
- Jenkins: Halt, who goes there?
- Radar: It's the Colonel.
- Jenkins: Oh, sorry, go ahead, sir.
- Potter: Don't you want to know the password?
- Jenkins: I already know it, sir.
The Late Captain Pierce
- Hawkeye (to BJ): It doesn't matter if I'm here or not. Trapper went home and they're still coming. Henry got killed and they're still coming. Wherever they come from, they'll never run out.
- BJ: This doesn't make sense.
- Klinger: You want me to wake you when something makes sense? You'll sleep through the whole war!
Hey, Doc
- (Frank and Margaret are in Margaret's tent)
- Hawkeye (from outside): Frank, are you in there?
- Frank: They're trying to catch us at something.
- Margaret: We're not DOING anything.
- Frank: Oh, yeah. Who'd have thought?
The Bus
- Frank (into walkie-talkie): Attention all Allied personnel: There are many stars out tonight, but we seem to be underneath the brightest one.
- Hawkeye: Very good, Frank.
- BJ: They'll start looking for us in Bethlehem.
- Frank: I can plug an ace of hearts at fifty feet.
- Hawkeye: I'll remember that if we're ever attacked by a bridge club.
Dear Mildred
- Hawkeye: We have four rifles here and one of them is a reading lamp.
The Kids
- Klinger (feeding a little girl): I hope you like this. Some of it was cooked before you were born.
- Hawkeye: Bite your tongue, Margaret. Or better yet, let me do it.
Quo Vadis, Captain Chandler?
- Flagg: You are very smart, Freedman.
- Hawkeye: I told you.
- Flagg: You're only saying Chandler flipped out so I will have you busted and you can return to your safe cozy civilian practice.
- BJ: He's on to you, Sid.
- Flagg: You're not smart Freedman, you're dumb, very dumb! But you met your match in ME!
- Sidney: Captain, is it true that God answers all prayers?
- Chandler: Yes. Sometimes the answer is no.
Dear Peggy
- (Hawkeye is teaching Koreans to speak English)
- Hawkeye: I will get the nurse.
- South Koreans (with limited English): I will get the nurse.
- Hawkeye: Frank Burns eats worms.
- South Koreans: Frank Burns eats worms.
- (at show end)
- Mulcahy: (talking about a patient): Is he going to be all right?
- Hawkeye: Well, we could be bombed, there could be an avalanche, or Frank could operate on him again.
- Frank: Twerp.
- (Hawkeye turns and points to the South Koreans)
- South Koreans: You tell him, Ferret Face.
Of Moose and Men
- Colonel Spiker (about Hawkeye): No respect for the uniform.
- Potter: Well, he's never in it anyway.
- BJ: Sergeant, you can't drink this early in the morning. I know, I've tried.
Soldier of the Month
- Frank (dictating his will): To Major Margaret Houlihan...my little soldier...I leave all my clothes.
- Sergeant Zale: I know a lot of state capitals. I'll show you. Ask me the capital of Cleveland!
The Gun
- PA Announcement: Attention all personnel. Attention. Tonight's movie is Kansas City Confidential. This will be of special interest to anyone who missed it when it was shown every night this month.
- Radar: I'll be going to jail in my puberty and not coming out until my adultery.
Mail Call Again
- Frank: Hello? Louise, it's me, Frank.
- Radar (Whispering to Frank): Frank Burns.
- Frank (To Louise): Frank Burns.
- Radar (reading aloud what his mother is saying in her home movie): "I love you, Walter."
- BJ: Gee Dad, talkies.
- Mulcahy: Who's Walter?
- Radar: Oh, that's my given name.
- Hawkeye: Give it back.
The Price of Tomato Juice
- Frank: Courage is just something you can't be afraid to have.
- Potter: I've got a soft spot for Klinger. He looks a little like my son and he dresses a lot like my wife.
Dear Ma
- Margaret: Make sure no one goes into my tent.
- Radar: I wouldn't do that, Ma'am.
- Margaret: SOMEBODY does.
- Radar: Maybe it's rats.
- Margaret: You think RATS have been trying on my undies?
- Radar: Some of them rats are weird.
- Klinger: My mother had those. Had a premonition about Pearl Harbor.
- Radar: Did she tell anybody?
- Klinger: She didn't have it 'til December 9th.
Der Tag
- Frank Burns' Toe Tag: Emotionally exhausted and morally bankrupt.
Hawkeye
- Hawkeye (speaking to a pregnant Korean woman): By the way, I'm a doctor and I can tell you for certain that you're pregnant. And we know what causes that nowadays too.
- Hawkeye: Meat? Where'd you get meat? This is fantastic! Wait...where's the dog? (Sees the dog come in) This is fantastic!
Some 38th Parallels
- Colonel Coner: Our losses were insignificant.
- Hawkeye: How many kids in an insignificant?
- Frank (after seeing the garbage dumped on the Colonel): I had dreams like this all through puberty!
The Novocaine Mutiny
- BJ: Corporal Klinger's a corpsman. He's a good soldier. He'd prefer to be a good civilian, toward that end he dresses, uh--
- Hawkeye: In dresses.
- Colonel Carmichael: Bucking for a Section 8?
- Potter: The man does his job; I'll give him that. I'm not saying I'd want an entire company of Klingers.
- Hawkeye: Unless, of course Christian Dior attacks Pearl Harbor.
- Frank: The way I see it, unless we each conform, unless we obey orders, unless we follow our leaders blindly, there is no possible way we can remain free.
Smilin' Jack
- Corporal Owens: I don't want to go back to the fighting.
- BJ: Sounds serious. You may be coming down with mental health.
- BJ (about Hawk's chicken leg): Where'd you get that?
- Hawkeye: The Petrified Forest.
- BJ: ...They still open?
The More I See You
- BJ: Minding my own business is a full-time job. In my spare time, it's my hobby. I can't divide myself emotionally. I couldn't break my word to Peg, and not because God will send me to Hell without an electric fan or because it's not the right thing to do. I simply don't want to.
- Hawkeye: You've got a lot to learn about messing up your life.
- Hawkeye: There's been no one since you. Faint copies at best.
Deluge
- Hawkeye: Put out that cigarette, there's a lot of ether in there.
- Sergeant: Hey, I'm a sergeant, fella!
- Hawkeye: And I'm a captain, fella! Which means if we're blown up, I'll fly higher than you! So put it out!
The Interview
- Hawkeye: A war is like when it rains in New York and everybody crowds into doorways, ya know? And they all get chummy together. Perfect strangers. The only difference, of course, is in a war it's also raining on the other side of the street, and the people who are chummy over there are trying to kill the people who are over here who are chums.
- Klinger: If I had all the answers, I'd run for God.
Season 5
Bug Out
- (A soldier loads the toilet seats into a truck)
- Frank: If I get splinters, I'll have your stripes.
- Soldier: I'm a private.
- Frank: Don't pull rank on ME!
- Hawkeye (hearing an explosion): Is today the Fourth of July?
- Margaret: September.
- Hawkeye: Just a wild hope.
Margaret's Engagement
- Frank: I'm fine, Mom. Well actually, I'm not. You see, I had this friend. And this friend only pretended to like me. You know, the way Dad used to?
- Frank: Yeah. I thought I'd hit the town with that new nurse.
- Margaret: You mean the little red-headed one with the freckles on her nose?
- Frank: Yeah, that one.
- Margaret: Don't you think she's a bit young for you?
- Frank: (smugly) Well, yeah. I just thought that a little youth would be nice for a change.
Out of Sight, Out of Mind
- Frank: Pierce, you disgust me!
- Hawkeye: That's right Frank. I discussed you with everyone I know. They all think you're disgusting.
- Radar [reading Hawkeye's letter]: "Take care, son. We are connecting the dogs."
- Hawkeye: That's "counting the days."
- Radar: We are counting the days. All my love... Major Burns.
- Hawkeye: What?
- Radar: Major Burns, coming this way.
Lt. Radar O'Reilly
- Radar (talking about his promotion): It just come right outta the blue!
- Hawkeye: Nah, the way you've been lifting that barge, toteing that bale.
- BJ:Not getting drunk and landing in jail.
- Hawkeye: Had to happen.
- BJ: It was in the cards.
The Nurses
- Margaret (to the nurses): Did you ever once show me any friendship? Ever ask my help in a personal problem? Include me in one of your little bull sessions? Can you imagine how it feels to walk by this tent and... (She gasps and breaks down)...hear your laughter and know that I'm not welcome? When did one of you ever even offer me a lousy cup of coffee?!
The Abduction of Margaret Houlihan
- Frank: Any mindless baboon can see she's not here, including me!
- Klinger (as a Korean girl stares at his dress): This is what happens to you when you don't eat your vegetables.
Dear Sigmund
- Frank: I happen to believe in the sanctity of marriage no matter how ugly or disgusting it gets. I'd kill her before I'd divorce her!
- Sidney: Freud said that there is a link between anger and wit. Anger turned inwards is depression. Anger turned sideways is Hawkeye.
Mulcahy's War
- BJ: Some guys shoot themselves in the foot to get sent back home.
- Klinger: Not me. I'd ruin a perfectly good pair of nylons.
The Korean Surgeon
- Hawkeye: Maybe they'd be interested in an exchange. We could keep Paik and give them Frank.
- Klinger: If anything happens, bury me in the blue chiffon!
Hawkeye Get Your Gun
- Potter: If Frank Burns makes any more patronizing cracks about my age, I'll take him behind the motor pool and let the air out of his tires.
- (both drunk, under fire, in a foxhole)
- Potter: I said fire that weapon!
- Hawkeye: All right. [To the gun] You're fired! [To Potter] I did it as gently as I could.
- Potter: That was an order, Pierce.
- Hawkeye (Snapping his fingers): Oh waiter, would you take this man's order, please?
The Colonel's Horse
- (talking about Frank)
- BJ: Can't you do something?
- Potter: Like sit him down and have a talk with him?
- Hawkeye: No, like stand him up and have him shot.
- Potter: Don't be absurd. There'd be an inquiry.
- BJ (regarding Sophie's condition): Too much dry grass, not enough water; she's got colic.
- Radar: Ooh, that's serious!
- Hawkeye: Colic?
- BJ: He says it could kill her. Her intestines are blocked; we need to keep her on her feet so they don't twist. And...we gotta clean her out. Lots and lots of warm water.
- Hawkeye: ...I think I'll stroll on up to the front and see how the shooting's going.
Exorcism
- Margaret: You all know what day this is. Friday the 13th.
- Frank: She's right, and--nah, doesn't mean a thing.
- Hawkeye: Don't say that, Frank. I once spent Friday the 13th in a haunted house with a friend. I was never more frightened in my life.
- Potter: You see a ghost?
- Hawkeye: No, her husband materialized out of nowhere.
- BJ: My aunt once talked to the spirit of Sigmund Freud.
- Frank: That's impossible!
- BJ: Then how come he sent her a bill?
Hawk's Nightmare
- Hawkeye: We're a bunch of pediatricians. Oh, except for you Frank.
- Frank: Oh? And what am I?
- Hawkeye:Don't rush me, I'm still thinking about it.
- Margaret: Clumsy oaf.
- Hawkeye: No prompting from the studio audience.
- (Klinger and Radar watch Sidney play a game of imaginary basketball with Hawkeye)
- Klinger: Is it any wonder I can't get a Section Eight? In this unit, if you want to be crazy you gotta stand in line.
The Most Unforgettable Characters
- Klinger: Who put gasoline in my gasoline?
38 Across
- Potter: How can you see with those filthy glasses?
- Radar: I know where everything is.
Ping Pong
- Hawkeye (watching ping-pong): I haven't seen a backhand like that since I tried an exploratory on Nurse Baker.
- (Klinger is playing horseshoes with Potter)
- Potter: I don't know how you do it, Klinger.
- Klinger: Well sir, I learned how to throw horseshoes in Toledo.
- Potter: What's that got to do with it?
- Klinger: We didn't throw them for fun, we threw them in self-defense!
End Run
- Hawkeye: I think I'm having an identity crisis. I know I'm Dr. Pierce, but I want to be God.
- BJ: If you ever get the job, don't forget your old friends.
- Klinger (to Zale): If my dog had your face, I'd shave his butt and teach him to walk backwards!
Hanky Panky
Hepatitis
- Potter: Listen, it's too big a world to be in competition with everybody. The only person I'm out to beat is who I am right now. And in your case, that's tough enough.
The General's Practitioner
- Frank: So like you, Hunnicutt. Not a patriotic bone in your body.
- Hawkeye: No wonder the man flunked anatomy, he thinks there are patriotic bones!
Movie Tonight
- Klinger (singing): Nobody knows the trouble I've seen...
- Hawkeye: I know!
- Klinger: SOMEBODY knows the trouble I've seen...
- Klinger: I blew the bulb, it's not my fault! Who do I look like, Thomas Edison?
- Hawkeye: No, you look like Mrs. Edison!
Souvenirs
- Potter: [Giving a speech about returning home in one piece] And remember, someone at home loves you. Don't ask me why.
- Burns: I hope you catch that ugly creep who's been using my face!
Post Op
- Potter: Sergeant, I've told everyone else, I'll tell you. The 4077th is out of blood! We're squeezin' turnips here! All my personnel have donated at least twice, and Dracula couldn't find a quick snack around these parts!
- Moody: When I was a kid, I used to fight all the time when people put me down. I believed what they said about me. Not any more. I've been up on the line. I had the guts to go out there and drag 'em back to the aid station. No one's gonna get me again with any verbal abuse because I got something guys like that will never have - self-respect.
Margaret's Marriage
- Klinger: In the words of my people, may your life be an oasis surrounded by waving palms, warm breezes, and spit-free camels.
- BJ: Where you going, Frank?
- Frank (Last Line): I don't know. Uh... Just felt like grabbing a cold shower.
Season 6
Fade Out, Fade In
- Charles: What is that odor?
- Radar: Uh, north wind, cesspool, east wind, latrine.
- Charles: The wind is from the south.
- Radar: Oh, that's the kitchen.
Fallen Idol
- Hawkeye: Look, you can't lay all that on my shoulders. Don't you know how much this place stinks? Don't you know what it's like to stand day after day in blood? In the blood of children? I hate this place. And if I can't stand up to it to your satisfaction, then... then the hell with it. How dare you? The hell with your Iowa naivete, and the hell with your hero worship and your teddy bear, and while you're at it, the hell with you! Why don't you grow up for crying out loud? I'm not here for you to admire. I'm here to pull bodies out of a sausage grinder, if possible without going crazy. Period. (Radar begins to cry) Come on, cut it out. Stop it, will ya!? You ninny!
- Radar: I don't think this place is turning out to be that great an experience for me. I mean I work under terrible pressure and everything and there's a lot of death and destruction and stuff but outside of that I don't think I'm really getting much out of it.
Last Laugh
- BJ: He'll be walking back here in about an hour.
- Hawkeye: He'll be WALKING back?
- BJ: The only thing gassed up in that jeep was US!
- Margaret (to Colonel Potter): When's the last time I came to you? I ask so little?
- Hawkeye: And she gives so much.
War of Nerves
- Sidney: When Pierce and Hunnicutt lose one, he's out of his misery. When I lose one, I've lost a mind.
- Mulcahy: When I lose one, I've lost a soul.
- Sidney (to Klinger): You're a tribute to man's endurance. A monument to hope in size 12 pumps. I hope you do get out someday. There would be a battalion of men in hoop skirts right behind you.
The Winchester Tapes
- Hawkeye: You've got to have a pair of pajamas, look around. You had a pair when you got here.
- BJ: I had a lot of things when I got here. Faith, hope, sanity, a liver.
- Charles: I will put this as eloquently and succintly as possible...(pours tea pitcher but a plastic chicken is inside it)...Get me the hell out of here!
The Light That Failed
- Charles: I would operate in Braille if my fingers weren't frozen.
- Hawkeye (imitating Charles' accent): Sorry Charles, we're all out of fur-lined rubber gloves.
- Hawkeye: (gleefully, after BJ has ripped chapter 1 out of his book and given to Hawk to read) Heehee! Reading; this just might be better than sex!
- Charles: Certainly takes longer around here.
- BJ: How would you know?
In Love and War
- Hawkeye: Je suis poulet a la poetry.
- (Kyong Soon starts laughing)
- Hawkeye: What?
- Kyong Soon: What did you mean to say?
- Hawkeye: That I'm pulled toward poetry. What did I say?
- Kyong Soon (still laughing): You said you were a chicken!
- Hawkeye: What does Kyong Soon mean?
- Kyong Soon: It means bright and obedient. But my father used to tease me. I'm not very obedient.
Change Day
- Sergeant Maxwell: If there's ever anything I can do for you, let me know.
- Hawkeye: How about arresting this war for disturbing the peace?
- Potter (seeing Klinger in a Class A uniform): Klinger, you're out of uniform!
Images
- Sergeant (showing Hawkeye, BJ and Radar his tattoo): The Marine emblem, Semper Fidelis.
- BJ: Latin for "always faithful".
- Hawkeye: Well, I'd want to meet the girl first.
- Radar (about his tattoo): It'll come off when I take a bath.
- Hawkeye: My God, it is permanent.
The M*A*S*H Olympics
- Potter: You're gonna eat your way to a discharge.
- Klinger: I call it "food for freedom".
- Potter: I call it "suicide by salami".
- BJ: You? An athletic scholarship!?
- Hawkeye: That's right, the coach's daughter paid me to leave her alone.
The Grim Reaper
- Charles: Do you happen to have a quarter?
- Hawkeye: All this for a quarter?
- Charles: I have to pry off the cover.
- BJ: 'Course, cover charge.
- Margaret: Look out teeth, look out gums, look out liver, here she comes!
- Charles: Civilization in Korea.
Comrades in Arms (Part 1)
- Charles: Do you two realize that you are singing two entirely different operas and they're both out of tune?
- Hawkeye: Don't blame me, I didn't write this stuff.
- BJ: Don't do anything I wouldn't do.
- Hawkeye: What don't you do?
- BJ: I'll think of something.
Comrades in Arms (Part 2)
- Margaret: Continental breakfast.
- Hawkeye: Continent of Atlantis.
- Margaret: Huh?
- Hawkeye: That's the one that sank.
- Hawkeye (talking to Margaret about what to tell Donald about their brief affair): What do you usually tell him?
The Merchant of Korea
- Hawkeye: Who does he think he is, the merchant of Korea?
- BJ: Stop crying, it's just a pound of flesh.
- Hawkeye: A pound of flesh, my butt.
- BJ: Wherever.
- Hawkeye: What do you think the sentence is for firing an officer out of a Howitzer?
- BJ: 190 years, if you're a first offender.
- Potter: Who's bright idea was this, anyhow?
- Hawkeye: Ask the five-card stud.
- Klinger: Look at him! He doesn't sweat. I ain't seen someone who doesn't sweat before.
- BJ: Sure you have, in the Reptile House.
- Mulcahy: I think I'm gonna fold, while I still have a little left for the orphans.
- Charles: Oh, Father, give them my, (starts to hand Mulcahy a blue poker chip, but switches to a red) give them my best.
- Mulcahy: (pauses) Well, good night everyone.
- Hawkeye: Good night, Mr. Chip.
The Smell of Music
- Charles (after his French horn is run over): Colonel, what about my horn?
- Potter: By all means, Winchester. Bring it along, we'd love to hear it.
- Hawkeye: And from here in Ouijongbou, the sadistic sounds of Doc Winchester and his all-moose orchestra! The musical question, why us!?
Patent 4077
- Potter: Well, official channels could take forever. I remember when I applied for permission to get married. By the time the papers came through, my son was divorced.
Tea and Empathy
- Hawkeye: We have an old saying in America: Get out.
- Klinger (after he rips his skirt): That was an original. Now they'll make copies and you'll see it all over Korea!
Your Hit Parade
- Charles (trying to find a place to sleep in Potter's tent): I demand a space for my cot.
- Hawkeye (picks up a small box): Hello, room service, send up a larger room.
- Charles (while trying to sleep in his cot in Margaret's tent): Margaret, we are both adults.
- Margaret: Yes, of the opposite sex!
What's Up, Doc?
- Klinger: No, they got something better...me.
- Tom: Huh?
- Klinger: Take me instead of him, I've got your escape plan.
- Tom: I got my own plan...chopper to Seoul, plane back to Ohio.
- Klinger: I'm from Toledo, I know people there, I can make it easy for you.
- Charles: Take him, he's got a plan, I would be lost in Ohio. Take him, please, please? I've never even been to Ohio, he was born and raised there! He's--
- Tom: Okay, okay get out of here, anything's better than you!
- BJ: I think the marines are the only ones with an art history division.
Mail Call Three
- Klinger: When I leave the army, it'll be the honorable way...with a section 8!
- Radar: Colonel! Colonel, it's Klinger, he's back!
- Potter: Thank God he's back alive, I'm gonna kill him!
Temporary Duty
- Potter (about Col. Wheatley): He's a real stickler for regulations, especially hair length.
- Hawkeye: I'll pin my hair under my hat, (points to Bigelow) and you better cut those sideburns.
Potter's Retirement
- Hawkeye (after Charles takes a swig of the liquid in his hair restorer bottle): Charles, you're drinking your hair!
- Charles: Don't be ridiculous; this is twelve year-old Scotch. You don't think I'd keep it in the original bottle with you petty larcenists around, do you?
- Hawkeye: Eugggh!
- BJ: What, what?
- Hawkeye: I've been drinking from his Scotch bottle!
- Potter (after the staff has sung him "For He's a Jolly Good Fellow"): Thank you folks, that was really lousy.
- Charles: Well, what do you expect with very little talent and only five minute's preparation?
Dr. Winchester and Mr. Hyde
- Hawkeye: Winchester, the only people up in Korea at this hour are snipers and milkmen!
- Klinger: I got KP coming up. I'll probably fall asleep on the pudding and die of a concussion.
Major Topper
- Charles (after one-upping Hawkeye and B.J. with a photo of himself having dinner with Audrey Hepburn): When will you two cretins realize that your feeble imaginations cannot keep up with my real life?
- Boots Miller: Boots Miller on the move here in Korea, where the men are rugged. You can see it in their voices.
Season 7
Commander Pierce
- Margaret: Well, Doctor, as much as I hate to admit it, you ran that siege pretty well.
- Hawkeye: We were great for half a staff. Damn that Hunnicutt, where is he? Technically, he's AWOL, you know. I could throw the book at him.
- Margaret: I don't believe what I'm hearing! Since when did you join the army?
- Hawkeye: Since it was left to me.
- Margaret: If only Frank Burns could see you now! It's not so easy to play the clown when you have to run the circus, is it?
- Klinger: Colonel, I missed you!
- Potter: No.
- Klinger: About my heart murmur, Sir...
- Potter: No.
- Klinger: My double vision is coming back.
- Potter: No.
- Klinger: I've fallen in love with a goat!
- Potter: No.
- Klinger: Glad to have you back, Sir.
Peace On Us
- Charles: Must you always spout scripture, Father?
- Father Mulcahy: I'm afraid it's an occupational hazard.
- Military Policeman: I'm looking for a Colonel Sherman Potter.
- Father Mulcahy: He's over there: the one drinking with two hands.
Lil
- Lil: Are you married, Margaret?
- Margaret: I was, but he wasn't.
Our Finest Hour
- BJ: When you see the kind of horror that we do, day in and day out, you don't just feel close. You cling to each other.
- (after Clete Roberts asks Klinger what he'll remember about serving in Korea)
- Klinger: All the good times, that's what I'll remember. I think there were three.
The Billfold Syndrome
- Hawkeye: Don't you ever sleep?
- Nielsen: Sleep, what's that?
- Hawkeye: Close your eyes, put your head on your chest, and have nightmares about the war.
- Nielsen: When you're a medic, you don't have to close your eyes.
None Like It Hot
- Mulcahy: I have a good mind to baptise you both, in dirty water.
They Call the Wind Korea
- (Nurse Bigelow comes into the Swamp)
- Hawkeye: Beej, I'm ready to face the storm. Secure me to her!
- Mulcahy: We've got a villager whose house collapsed around him and a young boy who chased his frightened livestock into a minefield.
- Margaret: Dear God.
- Mulcahy: He's been alerted.
Major Ego
- BJ: Springtime in Korea, when the air is filled with pollen and bullets.
- (BJ begins humming)
- Hawkeye: You have just heard the ponderous words of Doctor Charles Emerson Supercillious, the only surgeon who can operate with one foot lodged in his mouth.
Baby, it's Cold Outside
- Potter: You don't think this is the proverbial 'hell freezing over' do you, Father?
- Mulcahy: Oh, no, no. I'm sure I'd have been informed if anything that big were on the agenda.
- Potter: Pierce, before the Major tells me to tell you to shut up, shut up.
Point of View
- (Private Rich wakes up and sees Hawkeye looking at his chart)
- Hawkeye: Oh, you caught me. I was just eavesdropping on your condition. These charts come in handy, you know? Everybody ought to have one. Somebody asks how you're doing, you don't have to answer. Just show them your chart. So how are you doing?
- (Private Rich touches the chart)
- Hawkeye: Wise guy, huh?
- Hawkeye: Klinger, you should know better. The Mess Tent is no place to bring a sick person!
Dear Comrade
- Kwang: Why do you wear the uniform of a nurse?
- Klinger: It's a disguise. I'm hiding from sanity.
- Kwang: That's crazy.
- Klinger: See? It's working!
- Hawkeye: All my fleas are dead! [to Charles] MURDERER!
Out of Gas
- Mulcahy: Just as the Lord said to Noah, "Everything in pairs."
- Hawkeye: Of course the Lord was holding three aces at the time.
- Radar: We're really up the river without a creek.
An Eye for a Tooth
Dear Sis
- Hawkeye (about the man Father Mulcahy punched): He's got good footwork, but he's weak in the clinches. My money's on you for the rematch.
B.J. Papa San
- Charles: Pierce, why must you always thwart my attempts to bring a little culture into this neolithic pup tent?
- Hawkeye: Because I'm a music lover.
- General Prescott: You look familiar, Colonel. Do I know you?
- Potter: I don't think so, General.
- Prescott: Were you in World War II?
- Potter: Yes, sir.
- Prescott: I knew you looked familiar!
Inga
- Hawkeye: I am the essence of over confidence. I am speculation, adventure, the spirit of pursuit, the stag howling for its winsome, yet anonymous mate. I am the love call of evolution, the perfume and color of the flowers as they offer their pollen to the gentle fuzz of the bees. I am sex itself, gentlemen. I am life, I am appetite!
- BJ: And I'm not taking my clothes off till he leaves.
- BJ: You assassinated his character?
- Hawkeye: Yeah. I let him talk.
The Price
- Hawkeye: Does he understand English?
- Radar: I'll find out. Do you speak English?
- Patient: Yes.
The Young and the Restless
- Simmons: I'm sorry for being so young.
- BJ: That's all right, you'll grow out of it.
- Potter: You'll want to be there for two reasons. One, this is going to teach us all a new heart procedure. And second, it would be a nice gesture to your commanding officer, who could make your life miserable if he wanted to.
Hot Lips is Back in Town
- Lieutenant Nugent: Do you dance, Radar?
- Radar: Uh, no. Football knee.
- Nugent: Oh, you played football?
- Radar: Not much, I had a bad knee.
- PA Announcement: Attention all personnel. The Mess Tent is closed this afternoon for the medical staff meeting. Unfortunately, it will re-open for dinner at 1700 hours.
C*A*V*E
- Hawkeye: With Klinger and Mulcahy's blood in him, this kid will wake up singing Ave Maria in Lebanese.
- Klinger: I demand you send out a patrol to rescue my wardrobe.
- Potter: Into the cave with the rest of the bats.
Rally Around the Flagg, Boys
- Hawkeye: That guy would turn in his own mother for passing along a recipe.
- Charles: You don't like the fellow, do you?
- Hawkeye: No, I've never been too fond of a guy who would bring you a wounded prisoner and beg you to fix him up just so that he could take him out and shoot him.
- Charles: That bad, hmmm?
- Hawkeye: I don't see anything here. I think I'll go sing Carmen in the latrine. The echo'll kill him.
- Potter: What is this idiocy about?
- Flagg: Your spy ring.
- Potter: Spy ring?
- Flagg: Very clever, hiding under a house of cards while you plot the overthrow of the free world.
- Hawkeye: He's got us, guys, we might as well confess. I'm Joe Stalin. Mao Tse-Tung, Marshall Tito, and, of course, you already know Lenin. What can I say, we couldn't get a room in the Kremlin.
Preventative Medicine
- Potter: Sometimes when a man's anxious to stick out a glad hand, it's because he's got something up his sleeve.
- BJ (to Hawkeye): You may have treated a symptom, but the disease lives merrily on.
A Night at Rosie's
- Hawkeye: Has anyone explained to you the philosophy of Rosie Land?
- Nurse: No, but someone wanted to use my underwear for a flag.
- Hawkeye: Oh, that would be our Secretary of the Interior.
- Mulcahy: This isn't one of my sermons. I expect you to listen!
Ain't Love Grand
- Potter (about Klinger): Is he wearing a class A uniform?
- Hawkeye: Let's see. Ugly color, forty years out of style, fits like a tent? Yeah that's a Class A all right.
- Hawkeye: My body is so tired it's suing me for running a sweatshop.
The Party
- Potter (upon hearing about Mrs. Potter dancing with Hawkeye's dad at the party): Pierce, if your father is anything like you, we're going to have a long, long talk about this.
- B.J.:I can see us all sitting at a reunion ten years from now.
- Hawkeye:Yeah, the war's been over for a month, we all have gray hair, Charles has his in a box.
Season 8
Too Many Cooks
Are You Now, Margaret?
- Williamson: Do you always treat enemy soldiers?
- Hawkeye: Of course not, only if they're sick.
- Klinger (passing out copies of Stars & Stripes to the officers): Here; read this.
- Hawkeye (reading): "Scandal Rocks Capitol Hill. Congressman Daniel Lurie-!"
- Everyone else: *gasps of surprise*
- Hawkeye (reading on): "-Caught in Washington Love Nest with Aide's Wife! 'My-my husband drove me to it,' sobbed a tearful-"
- Everyone (reading together): "-L. Shirley Williamson!"
- Hawkeye (reading on): "'I needed more than a man who's married to his work first and me second!'"
- Margaret: Now wait, wait. That seems fair. He had the Congressman's ear, and she got everything else!
Guerilla My Dreams
- (Klinger has just brought Charles a bottle of Napoleon brandy)
- Charles: Ah...Napoleon. If you'd given more of this to Josephine...she might have stayed home nights.
- B.J.: Oh none for me. It offends my palate, not to mention my co-palate.
Goodbye, Radar (Part 1)
- (Col. Potter walks into the Swamp)
- Potter: Either of you seen Radar?
- Hawkeye: Last I saw him he was in the Officer's Club having a touch of the grape.
- BJ: Why? What's wrong?
- Potter: Plenty. I just got a wire from the boy's mother in Iowa. Radar's Uncle Ed passed away.
- Hawkeye: Oy.
- Potter: Yeah, oy.
- Radar:And to top it all off, my Nehi is warm.
Goodbye, Radar (Part 2)
- Potter: Listen, Radar, I guess you realize I'm kinda fond of you. Lord knows I've never met a soul I could depend on more, but above all that, you've been a damn good friend. Well, friend, it's time we said goodbye. Time you got on with your life. You've come as far as you can go here. You've earned your wings... now you've gotta fly.
- Radar (his last line in M*A*S*H): I'm ready, let's go.
Period of Adjustment
- BJ: Well, if it isn't Benjamin Franklin Hawkeye Pierce, named for a president, an Indian, and a stove.
- Potter: So far you have performed your duties with the efficiency of a one-legged man at a BUTT kicking contest!
Nurse Doctor
- Mulcahy: I had to give a girl the brush-off!
- Hawkeye: (stunned): Would you mind repeating that, I think the sun was in my ears.
- Hawkeye: Well I don't blame her Father, I think you're as cute as the dickens.
Private Finance
- Mulcahy: You know, you'd make a fine priest.
- Hawkeye: Aa, thanks Father, I don't think it would work out. Besides, the only Latin I know is Xavier Cugat.
- Potter (to Hawkeye): This is the happy hour. Angry hour starts at ten!
Mr. and Mrs. Who?
- Charles: On only one other occasion in my life did I even approach that level of inebriation.
- Donna: When was that?
- Charles: It was the night after I graduated from Harvard Medical School, I distinctly remember trying to swim the Charles River in cap and gown, reasoning that since it was named after me, it was my river.
- Donna: Well of course. Did you get married then, too?
- Charles: Nope. Got pneumonia!
- BJ: Do you, Chuck Emerson Winchester III, take this lovely if gullible young woman as your un-lawful, un-wedded un-wife?
- Charles: I undo.
- BJ: And do you, Donna Marie Parker Winchester the Third, take this pickled amnesiac as your un-lawful, un-wedded, un-hubby?
- Donna Marie: I undo, too.
- BJ: Now with the power invested in me by the state of intoxication, I pronounce you man and woman. You may now ignore the bride.
The Yalu Brick Road
- Rizzo: Hey, Father, can I make a confession?
- Mulcahy: Certainly Sergeant.
- Rizzo: I murdered somebody...tomorrow.
- Klinger: C'mon, I'm trying to help!
- Rizzo: You wanna help? Die on your own.
- (Hawkeye, BJ and "Ralph" are walking back to the 4077th because BJ crashed their jeep. They encounter a Korean man trapped underneath a hay wagon.)
- Hawkeye: Allow me to introduce ourselves. That's Ralph, I'm Pierce, and this is Hunnicutt; you probably know each other from driving school.
Life Time
- Hawkeye: We're 3 1/2 minutes over! Damn it!!
- BJ: Maybe the hypothermia bought us some time.
- Hawkeye: Yeah, on the other hand, maybe it didn't.
- BJ: Hawk, we saved his life.
- Hawkeye: Yeah, well I guess that's something.
- BJ: It's more than something, it's everything.
- (The patient is wiggling his toes, proving he's not paralyzed. Hawkeye, BJ and Margaret jump for joy, a blood-drained Charles resting nearby)
- Margaret: WE DID IT! WE DID IT! Do you know what we DID?!
- BJ: We made a man who's part George and part Harold!
- Charles: And part Winchester.
- Hawkeye: That's right! When he wakes up, he won't know whether to be brave, generous or pompous!
Dear Uncle Abdul
- Klinger: Holy Toledo! Either that bird hit a land mine, or you just shot down a kamikaze pigeon!
- Margaret::(After learning I-corps won't replace her footlocker unless it was damaged in combat,she shoots her footlocker) There I was in my tent, suddenly a sniper leaped out and fired two shots. Bang! Bang! Without hesitation my valiant footlocker threw itself into the direct line of fire giving its life so that I might live! (Kicks the footlocker at Klinger) Now take this worthless piece of junk and make it fast or I'll use the same technique to replace a defective company clerk!!
Captains Outrageous
- Potter (about a General): The man graduated 312th out of 320 and he says he's gonna do his best.
- Mulcahy (after finally receiving his captain's bars): This experience has taught me a valuable lesson. The meek may inherit the earth but it's the grumpy who gets promoted!
Stars and Stripes
- Margaret: I'm just as much a major as any other major. You'll notice these leaves come in gold, not pink for girls and blue for boys.
- Hawkeye (to Margaret): Maybe you and I are just too choosy. We're both looking for a custom fit in an off-the-rack world.
Yessir, That's Our Baby
- Charles: I've talked to everyone in the camp - which, by the way, is a first for me - and no one saw or heard a thing. A fact confirmed by our ever-vigilant sentries and their seeing-eye dogs.
- (after it is suggested that he fathered a baby in Korea)
- B.J.: You're lucky we're doctors 'cause I'm gonna break every bone in your body.
Bottle Fatigue
- Charles: Well, how would you feel if your sister were marrying a swarthy dark-haired olive picker?
- Klinger: She did. And for your information, Major, so did my mother and my grandmother, not to mention the future Mrs. Max Klinger, whoever she is. (Klinger storms out of the office)
- Charles: Did I say something to offend him?
- Charles: I am in the direst of straits.
- Potter(still not really awake): Straight, my full house beats that.
Heal Thyself
- Klinger: (afraid of catching mumps): If you get 'em as a kid, you don't get 'em as an adult. But if you get 'em as an adult, you don't get kids. Take this, you home wreckers! (Klinger goes back to spraying the office)
- (looking at Potter's painting)
- Charles: That is either a horse or the RCA building.
- Potter: It's a horse. I'm about to paint his back end; fortunately, I have a live-in model!
- Charles: Aha! If only your talent matched your callousness!
Old Soldiers
- Potter: It's a tragedy people have to eat horses, they're beautiful animals. You ever take a peek at a cow or a pig? They're ugly. We're doing them a favor by eating 'em . Saves 'em the agony of looking at their reflections in the trough every morning. But a horse, that's a noble beast. Why, in the cavalry, a man's steed was his best friend, a real companion. Where do people get off making pork chops out of them? Too much killing in this world, too much death. No respect for people, for tradition, for life. The whole world is spinning down the tubes and nobody even seems to notice. I don't know, I...(breaking off due to the looks of the others)
- (in the lab preparing tetanus shots for the Korean children)
- Hawkeye: OK, ten shots, one every two hours.
- Charles: Ah, a mere twenty hours 'til we are released from the munchkin horde.
- BJ: Charles, have you been hoarding munchkins again?
Morale Victory
- Potter: You two baboons spoiled a swell movie!
- Hawkeye: No, we didn't! It's been here so long, it's spoiled by itself.
- Everyone: Yeah!
- BJ: I've seen better film forming in my soup.
- Potter: Yeah? Well I happen to think this is a fine piece of celluloid. As a matter of fact, it's mine and Mildred's favorite. Mildred loves Charles Boyer. This is a war, you know! Be grateful that we got a talkie!
- Hawkeye: We are, but don't you think we deserve a little decent entertainment?! God knows everything else around here stinks!
- Potter (sarcastically): Evening Captains Heckle and Jekyll, I would have been here sooner but I stopped to watch the dancing in the streets.
Lend a Hand
- (discussing a surprise birthday party for Hawkeye in the Swamp)
- Charles: What about we do something civilized?
- Klinger: Like what?
- Charles: Like sipping sherry while musicians play a string trio by Franz Josef Haydn. Or perhaps, someone with a trained voice could read selections from Edna St. Vincent Millay.
- Margaret: This is for Pierce?
- BJ: Oh he'd love it once we got him tied to the chair.
- Klinger: That's the stupidest thing I ever heard. I don't wanna be entertained by somebody with three names unless it's Gypsy Rose Lee.
- Klinger: Wait! Put away your thinking caps, I got it. Imagine if you will the world's biggest salami.
- Charles: We don't have to imagine it, Klinger, we're looking at it.
Goodbye, Cruel World
- Hawkeye: I think our job might be a little easier than yours, Sidney. At least we can always see where they're bleeding.
- Potter: Now why the devil would I scribble my John Hancock 47 times?
- Klinger: Ah, you were sleepwalking sir. I didn't want to wake you. I thought it might be dangerous.
- Potter: Probably would've been. Thanks for clearing that up for me Corporal. By the way...you put too much swoop on the T.
Dreams
- Potter: Have yourself a nice long rest and be back here in twelve minutes.
- (Falling asleep, after Garvey has refused to send him any ambulances)
- Potter: I'm too old for this. I've got children telling me I can't play with their toys.
War Co-Respondent
Back Pay
- Charles (addressing three Korean doctors): Now my diminutive voyeurs, this is the patient without whom, medicine would be just theory. This is the patient's chest; or in more scientific parlance, the front of the back. If there is no bellybutton in the immediate vicinity, you've committed a rather serious faux pas.
April Fools
- (Father Mulcahy comes into the company's clerk's office wearing a dress)
- Mulcahy: Sir, I must protest the rash of mindless pranks being perpetrated around here!
- Potter: Well, good morning Padre, or should I say, Padress.
- Mulcahy: Colonel, there's no humor in this. While I was showering, someone stole my robe and left me this.... this.... house frock!
- Klinger: Better not take it off Father. You'll be a defrocked priest!
- Mulcahy: Klinger, how would you like the last rites? And a few lefts?
- Rizzo: The Army is a breeze, once you get the hang of the Luther Rizzo secret of military success.
- Klinger: What is it?
- Rizzo: Never smile.
- Klinger: Huh?
- Rizzo: The Army hates to see a man grin. Makes them think they've failed somehow. But moan and groan and carry on, they'll leave you to your lonesome; long as they know you're miserable, they're happy.
Season 9
The Best of Enemies
- Potter (after Margaret tells Charles that Potter order her to play with him): Confucius say: "A bird on the collar beats your fifty dollar."
Letters
- Hawkeye (passing out letters): Here's one in crayon, must be for Charles.
- Charles: I have no need to write letters to communicate with children. I have you for that, Pierce.
- Hawkeye: That is an insult and you'll answer for it at recess.
- BJ (reading from a letter): Dear Doctors, you live a great life, I am jealous of you.
- Charles: Je- He what?! Jealous.
- BJ (still reading): You guys get to camp out every night, eat real Army food, boy you're lucky.
- Charles: I... just... Give me that! (takes the letter) Get to camp out, eh? (writing) My dear diminutive correspondent. Your misinformation is exceeded only by your ahhh-trocious grammar.
- BJ: Leave it to Charles to be the world's first poison pen pal.
Cementing Relationships
- Klinger: Hey, how come you got the easy job while we had to bust our buns?
- Charles: Very well, Klinger. How so you spell "caution"?
- Klinger: C-A-W...
- Charles: I rest my case. When I have this sign finished, I'll hang one on this door, then I have to walk all the way around and put one on the other door
- Klinger: K-A-W...?
- Hawkeye: Now you've got it.
- Charles: My good man, I have better things to do than stand around listening to someone make no sense in two languages.
Father's Day
- Margaret (to her nurses as her father arrives): Wipe those smiles off your face and try not to look so miserable.
- BJ (about a shipment of steaks): We can throw a surprise party in the mess tent, that's the last place anybody would expect to find food.
Death Takes a Holiday
- Charles: (after a Korean foster father confesses to selling Charles' gifts on the black market to buy food for his children) No, it is I who should apologize. It is sadly inappropriate to give dessert to a child who has had no meal.
- Margaret: It never fails to astonish me. You're alive, you're dead. No drums, no flashing lights, no fanfare. You're just dead.
A War For All Seasons
- Charles: Oh yes. In the springtime a young dolt's fancy turns to baseball where one can sit and munch red hots and crackerjacks and watch eighteen hillbillies in knickers run around in circles and spit tobacco chaws on one another.
- (after Charles expresses interest in backing Klinger financially in baseball wagers)
- Hawkeye (laughing): Charles. You want to get part of this? You, the man who asked how many carats there are in a baseball diamond?
Your Retention Please
- Potter: OK, I got something to tell you and I don't want to hear so much as a titter, a snicker, or a guffaw, from anyone.
- Hawkeye: You hear that, Charles?
- Potter: The subject of this meeting is... the Army. (pause) So far so good. I have been directed to address you on the possibility of making the Army your career.
- (Hawkeye, Charles, and BJ begin laughing)
- Hawkeye: I'm sorry; if I held that in, my teeth would have exploded.
- Klinger: Now the army is my best friend... I may get shot in the stomach... but I won't get stabbed in the back.
Tell it To the Marines
- Hawkeye: And then this harebrained colonel, whose crew cut I could HEAR, had the nerve to hang up on me. Well, that's when I REALLY told him off.
- Hawkeye: Klinger, come with me.
- Charles: Klinger, you will do no such thing.
- Hawkeye: I am trying to help that marine and I need Klinger.
- Charles: Oh, very well, you may have him. Have him back in an hour though.
- Klinger: My God, I've been traded.
- Hawkeye: Thanks for the lovely peasant.
Taking the Fifth
- BJ: Hawk, I never thought I'd use this word in a negative manner, but you're depraved.
- Hawkeye: Well what do you expect? I come from the land of the free and the home of depraved.
- BJ: No self-respecting nurse is going to have anything to do with that [ad].
- Hawkeye: That's what I'm counting on.
- (Charles is in the shower)
- Klinger: So O Great Girth One, do you still want that valuable wine?
- Charles: Do I still have a palate?
- Klinger: I don't know and I'm not about to peek. I can get you five bottles, it'll run you forty per.
- Charles: Four...My last offer was thirty.
- Klinger: Consider it a cost of dying increase
- Charles: I smell the distinct odor of profiteering.
- Klinger: Try a little more soap.
Operation Friendship
- Hawkeye: Charles is fine, but Klinger has damage to over fifty percent of his body; he broke his nose.
- (discussing Dr. Traeger)
- Hawkeye: Do you believe this guy?
- BJ: If you're that obnoxious, you better be good.
- Hawkeye: And, damn it, he is, but he's still a jackass.
- BJ (laughing): I know what I should've done.
- Hawkeye: What?
- BJ: Could've really showed him.
- Hawkeye: What? What?
- BJ: Should've died, right there on the table.
- Hawkeye: Wouldn't we have had the last laugh?
- BJ: Well, you would.
- Hawkeye: Well, yeah.
No Sweat
- Hawkeye: His gut looks like a jigsaw puzzle and I think a couple of the pieces are missing.
- Charles: Carbon paper in the safe, what brilliant foresight. In only two million years, it will turn into diamonds.
- Klinger: Facetious, but erroneous.
Depressing News
- Hawkeye: Margaret, how many times do I have to tell you there are no communists under these beds.
- BJ: Of course not, they're in the Lenin closet.
- Klinger: Surely madame knows of my sincere sincerity? To me the words Houlihan and hubba hubba have always been synonymous. You are a vision of great loveliness even dripping as you are.
- Margaret: If there's a point to this, get to it.
- Klinger: I've unanimously chosen you to be the beauty editor of my paper.
- Margaret: Your paper what?
- Klinger: Paper news. M*A*S*H Notes. Read it at your leisure and imagine how much better it would be with your very own beauty column: About Faces.
- Margaret: That's cute.
No Laughing Matter
- Charles: Colonel, what's the point in bearing a grudge?
- Potter: Glad to see you using some common sense.
- Charles: What possible benefit could I derive from becoming angry over the impending arrival of the cretin that banished me to this flea hatchery?
- Potter: You are using common sense, aren't you?
- Charles: Just because I was forced to surrender the delights of Tokyo, where I could indulge in kabuki, and octopus.
- Potter: Winchester, you're letting that goat of yours get got again.
- Charles: Have you ever savored the epicurean delight of fresh octopus?
- Potter: I don't care for any food that hangs onto the plate when you pick it up.
- Potter: Major, you were kind, courteous, and every bit the gentlemen. What do you have up your sleeve?
Oh, How We Danced
- Charles (dictating his will into his tape recorder): The morning air is crisp and still. In mere moments, I embark on a military mission which may mark my final hours on this planet. Therefore I leave you with these few parting thoughts. To my dear Father, I grant you power of attorney, for the disposition of all my real estate. To my devoted Mother, I bestow upon you my proxy with the single proviso that it never be used to vote for Cousin Alfred. To my gentle sister Honoria, I bequeath my butterfly collection. I know you probably don't want it, but Cousin Alfred does. Farewell Cape Cod, farewell Harvard Yard, farewell baked scrod.
- (BJ and Hawkeye enter the tent applauding)
- BJ: Bravo, bravo.
- Charles: Anthropoid boors.
- BJ: What a touching farewell to Cod, Yard, and scrod.
- B.J.: We didn't know if you were late, Charles, or the late Charles. We thought maybe you'd been shot, and we were trying to figure out which side did it.
- Charles: Hunnicut, go hurt yourself.
Bottoms Up
- Charles (addressing the mess tent): Ladies and gentlemen, we must all have compassion for the wretched harlequin with his compulsive need to amuse; so I say to you, do not condemn the pathetic clown but rather, pity him.
- Everyone (applauding): Yeah!
- Klinger (looking for pants for Charles): Let's see, about a 42 extra pompous.
The Red/White Blues
- Margaret: All right, now I need the post-op patient status report for April 11.
- Charles: Well I haven't the foggiest idea where that would be.
- Margaret: Well, look under P.
- Charles: Post-op under P? That is the one place I know it won't be. We must not labor under the delusion that these were filed by another homo sapien; the last ones I found were under G, for "getting better."
- Margaret: Just what do you suggest we do?
- Charles: Burn the damn place down and take a tax loss.
- BJ: We discovered a new medical procedure. Take no pills and call me in the morning.
Bless You, Hawkeye
- Hawkeye: Maybe I'm allergic to Charles; stuffiness makes me sneeze.
- Charles: Arsenic will solve your problems, Pierce. I know it will solve mine.
Blood Brothers
- Mulcahy: I wish you'd given me this two day notice a couple of weeks ago.
- Mulcahy: Look at this place, it's a den of iniquity.
- Charles: Ah, don't think of it as a den, Father, think of it more as a rec room.
The Foresight Saga
- Klinger: Can we just share the moment of great warmth? I think a murder right now would really spoil the mood.
The Life You Save
- Soldier: Am I all right? I can't feel anything in my legs.
- Charles: Try to hang on. We're going to get you to a MASH unit and they'll patch you up just fine.
- Soldier: I don't know if I can doc. I feel real weird.
- Charles: Just stay with it.
- Soldier: Doc?
- Charles: Hm?
- Soldier: You still there?
- Charles: Sure.
- Soldier: I can't see you, hold my hand.
- Charles: I am holding it.
- Soldier: I can't feel it. Oh God, I'm gonna die.
- Charles: Can you hear me?
- Soldier: Yes.
- Charles (crying): What is happening to you? Can you feel anything? See anything? Please, I have to know. What is happening to you?
- Soldier: I smell bread.
- Charles: I don't understand.
- (soldier dies)
Season 10
That's Show Biz
- Margaret: How do you manage to keep it [hair] so beautiful?
- Brandy Doyle: Oh, simple...I give it the night off. (takes off her wig)
- Charles: No offense Miss Carlyle, but I've always been of the opinion that squeezing is a technique best suited to making orange juice, not music.
Identity Crisis
- Mulcahy: My Hebrew is a little rusty, but it gets the point across.
- Colonel Potter: I don’t care how poor a man is; if he has family, he’s rich.
Rumor at the Top
- Klinger: Well, as my Uncle Amos used to say, "Those who can't, manage those who can." One of his employees made that up for him.
- Mulcahy: I'd have to confess to myself, and I can be very harsh.
Give 'em Hell, Hawkeye
- Hawkeye (writing a letter to President Truman): If you end this fiasco right now, I pledge to purchase all your daughter's inimitable records. Don't bother to deliver them. I'd love to pick them up on my way home.
- (wounded soldiers are being brought into camp)
- PA Announcer: Attention all personnel! Quit your dreaming, it's time for the nightmare!
Wheelers and Dealers
- Potter: Grandma Mavis has a saying for everything. No wonder Grandpa Wilmer stomped on his hearing aid.
- Rizzo: Now you gentlemens are new to the Army, or in other words, dumb. When you leave here, you will know this jeep like it was a kissin' cousin, and you will know the rules of the road so good that when you're dead, you will still qualify for a license.
Communication Breakdown
- Charles (over the PA): Attention all vermin - that's giving you the benefit of the doubt - I have just discovered the untimely disappearance of my May 5 issue of The Boston Globe which has obviously been pilfered by some member of the pernicious race of lowlife which infests this pig mire. Furthermore, I consider no one in this camp above suspicion with the possible exception of that 80% of you who are incapable of reading the English language. Thus, I retract my previous magnanimous offer and none of you cretins will lay one slimy paw on any of my papers until the missing issue is returned! Thank you.
- (to Charles as everyone leaves the mess tent after Charles enters)
- Margaret: Help yourself to some breakfast before us lowlifes steal it all.
- Mulcahy: Hell hath no fury like pernicious vermin scorned.
- BJ: Charles, you just put a whole shoe store in your mouth.
- Potter: Winchester, just a hunch; Will Rogers never met you, did he?
Snap Judgment (Part 1)
- Klinger: Rosie, I need a favor.
- Rosie: Five dollars.
- Klinger: I just wanna talk.
- Rosie: OK, three dollars.
- Charles: In order to have a criminal mentality, one must first have a mentality.
Snappier Judgment (Part 2)
- Charles: Charles Emerson Winchester, defender of the downtrodden.
- Hawkeye: You do all the trodding, that's how they got down.
- Hawkeye (about Charles): He's the only American who landed in Inchon with traveler's checks.
'Twas the Day After Christmas
- Sergeant Pernelli: Last call for my mouthwatering turkey.
- Charles: The bird that gave its life so that others might be ill.
- Charles: A Winchester only recognizes one 5:30 per day. This is not it.
Follies of the Living - Concerns of the Dead
- Klinger (talking to a post): Colonel Potter, I'd like to help in triage, sir. I'm a little shaky, but while I have any strength at all, I'd like to pitch in. (referring to a dog) OK! let's get this patient into pre-op! Hubba-hubba! Orderly!
- (BJ, Charles, and Hawkeye drinking in the Swamp)
- Hawkeye: All right, what else do we love?
- BJ: You love dirt?
- Hawkeye: Dirt is my life.
- BJ: All right. To dirt.
- Hawkeye: And to the Army that lets us eat it, drink it, breathe it, and salute it.
The Birthday Girls
- Potter: Sorry to break up this pow-wow boys but Bossie says it's time to call the cab.
- Hawkeye: You get her up on the table and I'll hold her hand.
- BJ: Does anyone know where I can find a cigar that says, "It's a heifer"?
- Potter: You coming Winchester? I bet a city fella like you hasn't had a chance to see this before.
- Charles: I've also never had the opportunity to swim in a barrel of live squid.
Blood and Guts
- Potter: Yes, I know I didn't sign the morning reports.
- Klinger: Sir, it would be easier to remember to sign the reports instead of remembering you didn't sign them.
- Potter: I'll remember that.
- Potter: I'll bet you'd love a good breakfast.
- Clayton Kibbee: I sure would, but I'll settle for what you folks eat.
A Holy Mess
- Hawkeye: Eggs? In Korea? Impossible, Korean chickens only lay powder.
- BJ: You know how I like mine? Fried up, so the yolk is a glowing yellow jewel in a shimmering alabaster white.
- Hawkeye: You'd better have your eggs with a cold shower.
The Tooth Shall Set You Free
- (Charles moans of a toothache)
- Hawkeye: Beej, don't forget, in the morning it's your turn to milk Charles.
- Charles (to Korean, about toothache): What does this cure?
- Korean: Hunger. That's my dinner.
Pressure Points
- PA Announcement: Attention! The Chinese have begun a new offensive. Command anticipate heavy casualties within the next twenty-four hours. This is a recording.
- Sidney: Major.
- Charles: Hiya.
- Sidney: First time I've seen you in your summer uniform.
- Charles: This is the real me.
- Sidney: Sorry to hear that.
Where There's A Will, There's A War
- Potter (during a long OR session): I was transferred here seven days ago; seems like I've been operating for eight.
- (BJ shouts for joy)
- Potter: Watch the racket, Hunnicutt. This hospital is in a hospital zone.
- BJ: Hawkeye Pierce is alive and well and living at battalion aid.
- Potter: How do you know that?
- BJ: He left his fingerprints are all over this guy.
- Klinger: What are you talking about?
- BJ: Who else but Hawkeye sews vertical mattress stitches with white cotton sutures?
Promotion Commotion
- Charles: Ah, even in the sewer the cream rises to the top.
- BJ: You're the one who wanted to turn a guy down because he had a Z in his name.
Heroes
- Reporter: EEG?
- Hawkeye: Yeah, electroencephalogram.
- Reporter: How do you spell that?
- Hawkeye: I personally spell it EEG.
- Klinger (seeing that the press has taken over his office): Speaking of drawers and sheets, I was hoping to strip down to one and slip between the other.
Sons and Bowlers
- Hawkeye: Charles, one of the things I've always liked about our relationship is we never let sympathy get in the way.
- Charles: Where I have a father, you have a dad.
Picture This
- BJ (about Charles): I'll bet he has the largest record collection in all of Korea. Maybe all of Asia. Probably the world. You know, you'd think a guy with that many records wouldn't have a chance to play them all, but he does. It can be done if you have your phonograph on for every minute of every day. And night! But I like it!
- Potter: I just wonder if I'm getting what this painting is really all about: the camaraderie, the affection we have for each other. Oh, I'm getting the bodies all right, but I wonder if I'm getting the souls. Maybe I bit off more than I can chew.
- Klinger: Uh, I have to go sir. (he leaves)
- Potter: Of course son. You know, you people have been closer than kinfolk to me, you make it almost bearable being over here.
- Margaret: Excuse me sir please. (she leaves)
- Potter: Surely. In a way, this painting is a way of sharing my Korean family with my family back home.
- Mulcahy: Of course. Of course. (he leaves leaving Potter at a table by himself)
- Potter: It ain't easy telling people how close you are to 'em when they aren't here.
That Darn Kid
- Hawkeye: That does it, when this war is over I'm going home.
Season 11
Hey, Look Me Over
- Hawkeye: I'll make you a deal: I fix the autoclave. I go.
- Margaret: Fine.
- Hawkeye: Ok. Fine. Fine. Very simple. The hinge is bent, that's all. Takes three seconds.
- Margaret: Uh-huh.
- Hawkeye: One (hits it), two (hits it again), three...(hits it and the door falls off).
- Margaret: Well I did everything I could and I'd do the same thing all over again. There is no reason to put myself and everybody else through hell to satisfy some crazy notion that good is never good enough.
Trick or Treatment
- Klinger: The Piranhas [Marines] have landed at Rosie's, and already we've got their first casualty!
- Hawkeye: Uh, sorry, I don't remove tattoos.
- Klinger: How about billiard balls?
- BJ: What?!
- Klinger: A Marine got one stuck in his mouth.
- BJ: Now, that must have been some shot.
- Hawkeye: Can he breathe?
- Klinger: Oh yeah, he's fine; you need a bazooka to kill these guys. He bet someone that he could put a pool ball in his mouth and then take it out.
- BJ: Well, he was half right.
- Hawkeye: The way I see it, the Army owes us so many coffee breaks, we should get 1954 off.
Foreign Affairs
- Major Reddish: It's been getting harder and harder to sell this war to the folks back home.
- Hawkeye: Well, that's what happens when you spend everything on weapons and nothing on advertising.
- Major Reddish: Right.
- Major Reddish: I refuse to lie.
- BJ: And you call yourself a PR man.
- Major Reddish: I'm a soldier first. I won't lie without orders.
The Joker is Wild
- Hawkeye: Trapper was a man ahead of his time. Right, Margaret?
- Margaret: He was a ridiculous, juvenile child.
- Hawkeye: See?
- Charles: Hunnicutt, if there is a God, there will be a time in your life when you are in dire straits and in desperate need of a wealthy, influential friend. When that time comes, I pray you will turn to me so I can laugh in your face.
Who Knew?
- BJ: One sure test of good oatmeal is that you can't fill your fountain pen with it.
- Mulcahy: What the oatmeal lacks in solidity, the coffee more than makes up for.
- Hawkeye: When you haven't had much sleep, there's nothing like a good cup of coffee that you can really sink your teeth into.
- Charles: Now, can we get on with this? I have some meaningless trivial business that is far more important.
- Klinger: Ok. I didn't want to take any chances so I hid our little product in a clever place. This is it. (holds up a hula hoop)
- Charles: My word, you have invented the circle!
Bombshells
- Klinger: Hey, guys. Did you know that Ted Williams is going home? I heard the Red Sox paid fifty thousand bucks to get him out of the Marines.
- Charles: Boy, that's not what I heard. I heard it was seventy-five thousand and they sold Babe Ruth to the Navy.
- BJ: We sit around here in our Hawaiian shirts and red suspenders, thumbing our nose at the Army, drinking home brewed gin and flouting authority at every turn, and feeling, oh, so superior to those military fools who kill each other and oh so self-righteous when we clean up after them. Well, good luck to you pal. I hope you can...keep it up. The minute I cut that rope, they made me a soldier.
Settling Debts
- (in Father Mulcahy's tent planning a mortgage burning party for Colonel Potter)
- Margaret: I think a party with a theme would be really cute.
- Charles: Must we? Can't we just hand the poor man the mortgage, let him ignite it and go on about our business?
- BJ: There's an exciting theme: apathy. What time shouldn't we be here?
- Klinger: Aw, come on, Major. Didn't your folks do something special when they got their first house?
- Charles: Yes. Yes they did. They fired the entire staff.
- Hawkeye: All right. Look, just for the sake of your sanity, I'll tell you this much. Mildred wants to surprise you.
- Potter: Surprise me?
- Hawkeye: Yeah.
- Potter: It ain't my birthday. That was last month. It ain't our anniversary. That's Groundhog Day. I picked it so I'd never forget it.
- BJ: Relax, you're gonna love it.
- Potter: That's the same thing she said when she put the leopard skin seat covers on the Hudson. Never felt safe getting in that car without a whip and a chair.
The Moon is Not Blue
- Charles (entering the Swamp): Gentlemen.
- BJ; Quiet, Charles, I'm looking for the liquor ads.
- Hawkeye: I thought you went to see Sahara tonight.
- Charles: Indeed I did. But, alas, I had to leave when the film broke which was about two seconds after I ripped it from the projector. And I would have been here sooner but I had to stop to accept the cheers of the entire audience.
- BJ: Hey, hey, hey. Listen to this. (reading from newspaper) Blue movie banned in Boston.
- Hawkeye: What?
- BJ: "The Moon Is Blue starring David Niven, William Holden, and Maggie McNamara has been banned from local theaters due to it's suggestive nature. "
- Hawkeye: Philistines. They said the same thing about Babette Meets the Fleet.
- Charles: Gentlemen, uh, before you unleash your libidos, bear in mind, Boston would have banned Pinocchio.
Run for the Money
- Klinger: Captains, I've been adding up some numbers.
- BJ: Well, you'd better sit down, your fingers must be exhausted.
- (after Margaret bets another week's pay for herself, Hawkeye and BJ)
- Hawkeye: I can't believe what we're doing. Or how many times we're doing it.
- Margaret: What's the matter?
- Hawkeye: What's the matter?!
- BJ: What's the matter?! If Mulcahy loses, we're out two weeks' pay!
- Hawkeye: Each!
- Margaret: You men. You always worry about little things.
U.N., the Night and the Music
- Margaret: Oh, Sweden! Oh, I've always wanted to visit Sweden. I hear the scenery is so... tall.
- (Hawkeye sits down at a table with Margaret and Johansen in the Officer's Club uninvited)
- Hawkeye: Oh, thank God I ran into you. I need some help. Stalin just died and they don't know who's gonna replace him.
- Margaret: Pierce, please.
- Hawkeye: So I'm applying for the position. To me, it's the best way to make peace. The way I figure it, if I'm premier of Russia, NATO will return my phone calls.
- Margaret: Pierce, do you mind?
- Hawkeye: So I just wanna try out my campaign slogans on you. I mean, just— What do you think of this? Uh, "If you can't stand the cold, get out of Siberia."
Strange Bedfellows
- Charles: I'm afraid there is the possibility—slim though it be—that I...snore.
- Mulcahy: Snore. Oh. Good heavens, Major. What...courage it took to admit that.
- Charles: Well, Father, I'm afraid you don't understand. See, all my life I've harbored a secret dread that I may not be worthy of my name, that I may not good enough to be a Winchester. What if all this malarkey is true, that I do...snore like a common factory worker. What if that's just the tip of the iceberg? What if there are even more vulgar traits lurking just underneath the surface? Today...snoring. Tomorrow, sitting in front of a TV with a cold brew watching roller derby. What if—perish the thought—I am actually the same as everybody else? I couldn't live with that.
- Mulcahy: Speaking as one whose ancestors were factory workers and who like roller derby and a good brew, do I understand you to say that if you can't be better that me, then there's no point in living?
- Charles: Well, don't take it personally, Father.
- Mulcahy: Why should I take it personally? By the way, did I ever tell you about the time I was thrown out of the seminary dorm for snoring?
- Charles: Uh...
- Mulcahy: The truth of the matter is you're not superior to any of us whether you snore or not.
- Charles: Shh!
- Mulcahy: And at times like this, I'm not even sure you're equal.
Say No More
- Mulcahy: Good morning, Major. If you don't mind me saying so, hubba hubba.
- Margaret (voice hoarse due to laryngitis): Charles. (bangs table when he ignores her)
- Charles: Well, Margaret. Can't you just say good morning as civilized people do?
- Margaret: (grunting and miming)
- Charles: It is not my idea of breakfast fun to play charades.
- Margaret; (more grunting)
- Mulcahy: Uh, Doctor, I believe you are being paged.
- Margaret: (more grunting and miming)
- Charles: My I at least finish my Wheaties? (Margaret drags him out of the mess tent) Margaret, what is wrong?
- Margaret (hoarse): Please send telegram. (writing on note pad)
- Charles: Well why not. I'm often mistaken for a little Western Union boy. (reading note) "Dr. Chesler, must cancel. Very sorry. Perhaps another time." Another time? The man's leaving for the States tomorrow.
- Margaret: Not fair to patients or staff. Can't work like this. Another three days — I can't go.
- Charles: I must say I admire your dedication. I'll send this off immediately if that's what you really want. Yes? (leaving post-op bellowing) Telegram for Dr. Chesler. Oh, telegram for Dr. Chesler.
Friends and Enemies
- Margaret: I got some 3-0 silk for you Dr. Winchester. I noticed you were running low.
- Charles: I shall always cherish this moment.
- Margaret: Well, Charles, what are friends for?
- Charles: Friends? If pressed, I would say that you and I coexist. Now can we skip ahead to the inevitable small favor that you are going to ask?
- Margaret: Well, now that you mention it, I got this new record player and I don't have anything to play on it.
- Charles: I do. And you still don't.
- Charles: If I don't find a way to hear some music soon, I'm gonna lose what is left of my mind.
- BJ: Why don't you ask Margaret to let you play your records on her new record player?
- Charles: I'd sooner share my toothbrush with a Democrat.
- BJ: Maybe you could go over to the O-Club and play 'em on the jukebox. Nobody there this early.
- Charles: That is tantamount to asking Michelangelo to paint the ceiling of Woolworth's.
Give and Take
- Mulcahy: I do believe people are essentially good, but sometimes you have to put them in a half-nelson to get them to cough up.
- Soldier: My boots. All he wanted was my lousy boots. His feet were freezing. I'd have done the same thing. He was just a guy like me, and I shot him and I killed him, for a pair of boots.
- Potter: You know, sometimes I think there should be a rule of war saying you have to see someone up close and get to know him before it's OK to shoot him.
- Soldier: How can I wear these again? How can I ever put on a pair of shoes without thinking of that guy?
As Time Goes By
- Hawkeye (about the Army Field Manual): How to defend freedom and democracy through unquestioned obedience.
- Margaret: You low-life, disgusting, son of a sewer pump.
- Hawkeye: Has anyone ever told you have the voice of a songbird drowning in hot tar?
Goodbye, Farewell and Amen
- Charles: Just a minute! (to Igor, who is working on new latrine) You handle our food AND dig LATRINES?
- Igor: Don't worry sir, I always wash my hands before I dig the latrines.
- Mulcahy: (to Col. Potter) Well, look on the bright side. When we're told we must do our time in purgatory, we can all say "No thanks. I've done mine."
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Medscape
Egan M , Jaglal S , Byrne K, et al. Factors associated with a second hip fracture: a systematic review. Clin Rehabil 2008;22:272-282. Chandler JM, Zimmerman SI, Girman CJ, et al. Low bone mineral density and risk of fracture in white female nursing home ...
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unknown
2009-02-18 05:18:14
If you are a fan of the M*A*S*H TV . series. or if you want to get introduced to it this is a great film. If you don t like the M*A*S*H TV . series. then you will most likely not like this one. I think that this show is fun but it is nothing . ...
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